Seeking to Nurture Others? First Value Your Self

“I’m not worried about what I want; I just want to make sure that everyone else has what they want.”

It’s an unspoken chorus of women who have been raised to believe that being “selfless” is their greatest gift to the world.

Underneath it lurks a great fear.

“If I told people how I really feel or insisted on what I want, they might not like me!”

As women, many of us were taught that being valued by others means leaving ourselves behind. We quickly learn to act in ways that are inconsistent with our own beliefs and feelings in order to avoid displeasing people whom we love and need. What a paradox! For in order to be truly valued by another, we must present an authentic self, not a façade designed to avoid rejection. Unless we are authentic, we cannot possibly hope to truly connect with others, and yet it is our fear of disconnection that drives us to hide our real thoughts and feelings, that is, to reject ourselves. What a joy to suddenly understand that fully becoming the person you are meant to be is actually the very best way to serve others!

The fact is, by fully defining and appreciating ourselves, we naturally become empowered to release our unique gifts and dreams into our work and our relationships, and to achieve joy and flow in our lives. The people we care about are best served when we are acting from wholeness, not by our “playing a part” in an attempt to please them.

It’s a terrific waste when, with the noblest of intentions, we spend our precious energy in a lifelong struggle to be what we believe others want us to be. It happens in the tiniest decisions we make in everyday life. Decisions like wearing navy blue when we love red. Doing our teenager’s laundry instead of taking a class, learning to wind surf or paint, or connecting with new ideas in a book. Saying “yes” when we mean “no.” Each time we make a choice like this, we give the people closest to us a watered down, pale version of the person we think they want, instead of the vibrant, colorful spirit we’re suppressing.

But what does it mean to be “real”? It means not putting forth a false self. Sometimes it’s choosing not to portray the Brady Bunch when once in a while it feels just a bit more like we’re living on the Desperate Housewives’ Wisteria Lane.

It feels different to everyone around us when we’re authentic.

Imagine walking into the living room of a lovely new house. On the far wall you see a perfect fireplace. The flames are dancing and crackling – but as you move closer, the warmth you expect is not there. In fact, it’s not warm at all, and when you get right up to it, you’re able to see that it is actually an image of a fireplace projected against the wall, a virtual fireplace. Imagine your relief when you escape next door and there is a real fire burning in a real, if slightly untidy, fireplace. You choose a much-loved, overstuffed armchair, close enough to the fire to feel its warmth, and sink blissfully into it. That’s the difference we feel when we’re with someone who is not afraid to be herself with us. It’s real, it’s warm, we can feel it, and we’re glad to be there!

Changing your style of interacting takes courage. Start by jotting down a little note each time you find yourself doing or saying something that does not match what you feel, know, or believe. Ask yourself why you didn’t act on your real thoughts. Begin to imagine what it would be like to respond authentically instead of trying to keep others happy. Talk about it with a trusted friend. Finally, begin with small steps. Be ready to gently explain, if necessary, that you’re trying to respond more honestly to people and that you recognize that this might feel different to them at first. Pretty soon you’ll gain momentum. You’ll be on the path to allowing your true self to bubble to the surface, and you’ll be one step closer to creating a life you’ll love to wake up to!