As the parent of a now-adult who teaches herself new languages as a hobby while I struggle just to remember a new phone number, I have a fine-tuned comprehension for the fact that some people’s brains can do things that mine cannot.  Not only is this both fascinating and fantastic, it takes a lot of pressure off of me.  There’s no need to prove that I can pick up Swahili, because, well, I can’t – at least not without a full-court press. Because I understand this, my self-esteem is intact. I know where my talents lie, and I’m not too concerned about the rest.

This is not such an easy concept for people who in childhood have been identified as “gifted” — or just plain smart. The unintended consequences of these seemingly helpful labels often carry all the way through adulthood.

When kids grow up hearing over and over — at school, from their friends, from standardized tests — that they’re “gifted” or a “genius,” as my daughter did, a global expectation of achievement without a learning curve is created both within them and within others.  If you experienced this, even now you probably expect yourself to be a quick study at whatever you set out to do; in fact, you may well expect not to have to study at all. When you meet up with a tough challenge that requires an extended trial-and-error learning process, you may feel immobilized.

The self-esteem of kids who’ve been labeled “gifted” may come to hinge on being “right”, on catching on to each new skill the first time, on always having the answer, on always being the brightest in the group, on finishing the test first — in short, on being globally gifted. When they’re faced with a problem that they can’t immediately solve, they’re really frightened — so much that they shut down or lash out or become depressed.

This is how it’s possible for brilliant people to have a low sense of self-worth. It’s what I call the “Smart Trap”. 

You can’t fix this by trying to be smarter.  The fix occurs at a deeper level.  It’s a complex de-tangling of self-worth from innate ability. It’s a redefinition of what it means to be strong — from getting it right the first time to having the confidence to persist through first tries and next tries.

The other day when I began working on this post, my daughter told me how she had come to terms with the stress of being labeled. I thought it might be useful to share her thinking with you.

“I’ve always been uncomfortable when someone uses the term ‘genius’ to describe me,” she explained, “because ‘genius’ suggests that a person is good at everything, which is almost never true. I’m certainly not. There are things that I am good at, and there are other things that I’m lousy at, just like pretty much anyone else. The only real difference is degree: The things I’m good at, I’m unusually good at. For me, what has allowed me to be monumentally lousy at certain things without it totally wrecking my self-image is the understanding that ability isn’t an across-the-board thing, for me or anyone else.”

It’s a simple– but not necessarily easy – recipe for happiness, one that you can cook up for yourself first — and then serve to your kids.