I have listened to this song again and again all week long.  I have listened again today.

It’s not the ideas — in the first verse — of forgetting to look around us – forgetting to “look for the helpers”, as Mr. Rogers said — that mattered so much to me.  It’s not the gentle reprimand about being so caught up inside ourselves that we take when we should give.

It’s this:

Tonight we pray for what we know can be
and on this day we hope for what we still can’t see.

To pray for “what we know can be;” to hope for “what we still can’t see” — how deeply comforting to validate the significance of the wish even when we have no vision of the means to manifest it.

The music of Christmas helps my heart. I think it reaches a universal place in the soul, and in doing that, it is able to span even beyond its tremendous religious significance.  This song, on the album, was followed by “The First Noel” — which I have always associated with an image of a lone evergreen on a snowy hill with a bright star in a navy velvet sky — though I suppose it was nothing like that at all, of course — but the picture embodies peace in the purity of the snow, in the sacred bond of mother and infant, in the light of truth and love in the sky, in its innocence, so lovingly conveyed in “The Little Drummer Boy,” as well. Not least, the music of Christmas brings back to me, poignantly, even in the midst of tragedy, our potential for joy.

So this is the hope, this is the star to fervently pray for, even though we cannot begin to see the path to purifying our planet with its light of truth.  We don’t know how, but it is in our hearts, nonetheless.  We are human.  We are limited.  We can only lay this long-stretching path one brick at a time; that is inherent in being human and perhaps not a deficit at all.

But it is also this message that comforts me, that affirms where I am right now:  the message that what has happened — and our raw awareness of what can happen in the future — this is too big for us not to cry today.

Look beyond ourselves; there’s so much sorrow
It’s way too late to say, I’ll cry tomorrow.
Each of us must find our truth;
It’s so long overdue.

I am so shaken, my heart is so heavy.  But there is real value in my holding in my heart that vision of a world that is carpeted by a fresh covering of jubilant wildflowers reaching for the sky – implicit their innate purity of spirit and the beauty of being free to bloom; the preciousness of each blossom celebrated and protected, a world swathed in love and care — even if there is no path in sight. In that connection of hearts and hopes, we are no longer powerless.

I suppose the answer lies in our teaching our children well; they are the fresh covering that can choke out the hatred.  I believe that my part, what I can contribute, is to free, in some small way, within each person whom I touch, the power of their essence and to provide the nurturance for that seed to grow — because it is in ordinary genius, it is within the essence of the human core, whatever visible covering chances to surround it, if it is not silenced, if it is amplified and allowed to heard, that our solutions will appear, and in which, perhaps, they already exist.

Even with our differences, there is a place we’re all connected.
Each of us can find each other’s love.
So for tonight we pray for what we know can be
and on this day we hope for what we still can’t see

It’s up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There’s so much to be thankful for.

The world is no stranger to terrible things; its sorrows began before us and will almost certainly extend after. Oh, how we wish our children did not have to ever know! But that’s not our job.  Our job is to be there when they find out, to help them have the resilience to cope with what they know and still remain optimistic about life. It is our job, through our own courage, to show them that although hearts break, they also heal.

If we cannot fix the world for them, what then? I hope you will find in this final treasure, as I have, compassion for our limitations in what we can do, indeed in what we can even envision:

“It is not incumbent upon you to complete the work,
but neither are you at liberty to desist from it.”

[(Avot 2:21) attributed to Rabbi Tarfon.]

For me, that means to do what I can do to make the world a better place — for one person at a time.

Wishing you comfort and joy, as well,

Fran Hendrick

Whether the next steps you’re struggling with have to do with your classes, your major, your parents or a significant relationship, you may not be able to see beyond the very next brick in the path.  Life can’t come with a map because each life, each person is different.  This article is about helping you as you choose each step on your own path.  It’s about having the courage to celebrate your own unique journey.

So, let’s get started.

In the first place, I’ve got a bone to pick with Hollywood.  There’s nothing like movie heroes to make you feel insecure.  The message is: life is predictable and even when it’s not, you should be competent to handle it.  It’s all a great adventure, you’re the hero, and heroes can resolve their challenges in an hour or so.

Well, thanks a heap.  Because propaganda like that makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong when your life takes an unexpected turn.  It makes you feel incompetent when you haven’t got a clue about what to do in the circumstances.

“Real lives are made up of a series of challenges, problems,” a mentor once told me.  And guess what – she should have added.  There’s constantly a new circumstance that you’ve never faced before, and you don’t have the experience or the knowledge to simply know what to do and do it.

Real lives are made up of complications like these:

• You’ve landed in a class where the professor’s English is spotty and you have no idea what you’re supposed to be learning
• You’re in a relationship that despite its good points leaves you drained and feeling dull and blah.
• Your roommate is a morning person and you’re a night owl.
• You’re missing your home and your parents, and you feel sad all the time.
• The major you thought you’d love is a complete bore.

Well, you can relax on one score: there’s nothing wrong or even unusual about you if something crazy has happened and you’re completely stumped about what to do with the problems you’re currently facing.

Here’s what another great thinker, Andrea Lee, has to say: “Learning is what happens when you (really, really, really) don’t know what to do.”

The temptation is to look for a road map to tell you what to do next and next and next.

But what’s so fantastic about life – and so scary – is that you get to create your path. You don’t get to choose all the circumstances, that’s for sure.  But you do have a lot of wiggle room to choose how to handle them.  And that’s what makes you come alive! Following someone else’s map, doing what someone else did, isn’t you living your life!  It’s you living someone else’s life!

Let me share with you a longer version of the quote from Joseph Campbell that this article began with:

“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s

Do you remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books?  They often come to mind for me as an analogy.  Each book consists of a non-linear set of very short chapters.  At the end of each chapter, the reader has to choose between two or three alternatives of what to do next.  Based on that choice, she’s directed to a subsequent chapter.  Each reader has a different experience.

But even in those books, the alternatives are limited and provided by someone else.  In your life, you get to invent the alternatives for responding to each set of circumstances – completely!

Now that’s an amazing opportunity.

Often people feel that seeking help with their lives means that they are somehow less,when what it really signifies is their courage.  My clients are, truly without exception, wonderful, amazing people, and many of them have had in common one thing: Someone in their life has dealt them a heavy blow; someone has injured them, and they need relief from the pain and healing of the injury. So sadly, the injury is often compounded by the belief that somehow they are to blame for it.  They should have prevented it, should have interrupted it, should have found the right words, should have turned right instead of left — surely there is something they should have done that would reassure them that they had control of the situation. That belief may reduce their fear for the future, but it comes with the price of ongoing depression and anxiety, a feeling of always being at fault.

In fact, being on the receiving end of another person’s bad behavior does not mean that you are less or that you are to blame.  It means that you were simply living your life and found yourself in the middle of someone else’s drama. Often that’s an entirely random occurrence; other times it’s because people who have a need to control and destroy others — flower stompers, I call them, and there are both women and men who fit this description — have radar for women who trust and see the best in everyone they meet, or who do not see themselves deserving of being valued. In fact, when emotional, physical or sexual mistreatment happen to an unsuspecting child, it’s not unusual for the patterns of behavior she learns in order to survive and the expectations she develops about relationships to result in her being victimized again as an adult.

Not. Her. Fault. Not your fault.

I often find myself in awe of the great courage my clients summon up in order to extricate themselves from relationships and situations in which they or their children are being victimized — courage that their luckier friends may never have to seek within themselves and therefore cannot fully appreciate.  Is finding a way out of trauma, out of depression — and into a vibrant life being less? No, no, no! It is game spirit at its best.

The painful situation you are in, the fear and anxiety and depression you may feel; all hold the clues for finding your way out.  Don’t hesitate for a moment in getting help to surface those clues and understand them.  It’s hard, it can be painful — and it’s also exciting, rewarding and will fill your heart.  This is your journey, the one that you create by taking yourself out of the way of the flower-stomper, healing your wounds, and growing stronger and even more luminous as a result.

What has suddenly become obvious to me, partly from talking with girls and partly because some very wise moms have recognized the warning signs in their daughters, is that learning to recognize and reject emotional abuse needs to start at a very young age.  It starts with moms refusing to accept abuse, and with both moms and dads teaching their daughters that they do not owe their well-being to anyone — and that anyone who would compromise it is not “one of the good guys”.

The frequency that the issue of relationship abuse is part of my day suddenly hit critical mass and triggered me to really search the internet for resources to educate women and girls, and to empower them to walk proudly away from those who do not have their best interest at heart. While the tips, quizzes and information here were created for adolescents, they are equally valid for adults.  Read them with both yourself and your daughters in mind. You’ll find those resources below — beginning with the promised 10 warning signs that you — or your teen — may be in an abusive relationship.

Resource List

A High School Student’s Nightmare — story from People magazine

www.dosomething.org– this is a really interesting organization that allows high school students to connect with some amazing causes and be a part of the work.

• http://www.dosomething.org/issue_resources/Dating+Abuse
• http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/warning-signs-are-you-abusive-relationship
• http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/do-you-know-abuser

www.teenrelationships.org

• http://www.teenrelationships.org/quiz/

www.loveisrespect.org

• http://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/Teen-Safety-Plan.pdf

www.thatsnotcool.com

• http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/content/features/detail/1801/  — this is a way teens can speak out about abuse through texting and social media

www.myboyfriendrocks.com

• http://myboyfriendrocks.com/rockin-feature/rockin-quizzes/does-your-boyfriend-rock/

Book list of novels where dating abuse is a central theme

www.loveisnotabuse.com

As time allows, browse these websites.  They’re full of supportive information; I’ve only pulled out some of the highlights.

The raison d’etre for my work with clients can be found in the credo, Your Voice, Your Self. I strive to create a place where each woman and girl — so that you — can know, with utter certainty that:

You are a separate, defined entity in spirit and in body;
you exist as such and belong to yourself alone.

No one can have any legitimate claim on your identity or your physical self;
you can not owe to anyone the debt of being other than who you are.

You can create your niche in this world.

That is the potential that lies within you.

Copyright 1988, Fran Hendrick.  All rights reserved.

For example.  It’s 5:00, and the Arsenic Hour is in full swing. The baby’s crying, your kindergartner is racing across the house in her beloved, but muddy rubber frog boots, and dinner is burning.  Maternal bliss is nothing but a pipe dream; in fact, bliss seems far more probable on an desert island.

“Never mind, Mary, the kids are fine! Isn’t it great that you can be with them full time?” says your mother through the phone.

But it doesn’t feel great.  You feel trapped and tired — and now, on top of the misery, you feel ungrateful, as well.  Because how many moms would give their eye teeth for the opportunity that you have?

Your husband looks at the mud-streaked carpet and says, “It’s no big deal.  Don’t be mad at her.” But it feels like a huge deal — and you are mad.  And tired.  Resentful, even.  In fact, the more he and your mom spout Pollyanna platitudes, the worse you feel.

Why? Because in their efforts to reassure you, what they have conveyed to you is that your actual feelings are not the feelings that they want you to have.  And now you are even more upset, because it seems that you aren’t being who you should be.  You know — calm, serene, philosophical about small children and filthy carpet — and happy.

When you’re in a bad situation and sinking fast, comments like: “It’s really okay;” “Don’t cry,” or “Things are not so bad,” while usually well-intended, widen the gap between how you really are and how you’re being told you should be.  Your sense of self is divided between your real feelings and required façade of should be’s.  The wider that gap gets, the lower your self-esteem dips and the more depression and disconnection grow. That well-intended reassurance has backfired big time.

But what if your mom had said, “Gosh, you’re having a bad day.  Sometimes you just wish you could escape the madness,” and your husband had given you a knowing hug, grabbed the muddy boots before another step could be taken and said, “Hard day?”

When your feelings are fully understood, reflected and accepted, the gap disappears as the “What I should be” and “What I am” slide back together.

You feel accepted and acceptable — angry, ungrateful feelings and all.  Immediately, your self-esteem and self-worth begin to bubble back.  Depression dissipates. Your energy is freed up, resilience and resourcefulness kick in, and you begin to have the strength to solve the problem.

The reassurance that really can help is the certainty that whatever you are feeling, it’s okay.  Because it really is.

And, by the way, this is all true for your kids, too.

I’ll be sharing daily tips to inspire you to pursue your dreams, have great relationships, avoid depression, bounce back from frustration, — and hang in there until you succeed!

You’ll also find strategies for working with gifted children and for supporting girls in creating dynamic lives for themselves!

Now – a little about this special ebook — Getting Off the Self-Esteem Roller Coaster!

Do you ever feel like your mood is going up and down like the steep rise and precipitous plunge of a roller coaster?  Lots of people experience this — a lot more than actually talk about it.  Outwardly, you may manage to maintain an even façade even when your sense of self-worth is fluctuating wildly. What’s surprising is that accomplished adults and gifted children are among the greatest sufferers!

There are very some clear reasons that this happens, and I’ve put them together, along with strategies to help you gain control over your mood, in a brand new ebook called Getting Off the Self-Esteem Roller Coaster.  This little book is written to help you both as an individual and as a parent of children who may experience self-doubt that sometimes causes them to give up.

And — to entice you over to Facebook, you’ll find a link there to get a copy. Just click below!

“Like” The Self Development Place on Facebook
to receive your complimentary copy of
Getting Off the Self-Esteem Roller Coaster.

I hope to connect with you soon on Facebook!

I was reading Jonathan D. Kramer’s program notes during a Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra concert that I recently attended and was astounded to read what the composer had to say about his own work:

“I have just played over the first movement of my concerto, and only now has it become clear to me that the transition from the first theme to the second is not good and that in this form the first theme is no more than an introduction — and that no fool would believe it to be a second theme.  Everybody will think this the beginning of the concerto. I consider the whole movement ruined, and from this minute it has become positively hideous to me.  I am simply in despair.”

This is Sergei Rachmaninoff speaking of one of the most beloved pieces in music — his second piano concerto in C minor — five days before he was to play the first complete performance!

It always stuns me that the greatest geniuses, the creators of the most profound work, are devastated by self-doubt — and, in Rachmaninoff’s case, go into deep and long-lasting depression.

I tell you that to say that your doubts about your work are in no way an accurate reflection of the value of the actual work, nor do they provide a valid assessment of your competence.  They are simply a reflection of your own doubts about yourself.

What was Rachmaninoff in despair over?  Please sit back in your chair and  listen while Sergei Rachmaninoff plays his Piano Concerto No. 2.

When you feel like quitting, let these unforgettable strains of music come back to you, and then think about the potential cost of second guessing instead of paying attention to your instinct.  Rachmaninoff’s instinct told him to write the music in that precise way; his second guessing told him that the form was incorrect.  But forms change — because people have the courage to act on intuition.  History recognizes these brave pioneers later as visionaries.

This is not such an easy concept for people who in childhood have been identified as “gifted” — or just plain smart. The unintended consequences of these seemingly helpful labels often carry all the way through adulthood.

When kids grow up hearing over and over — at school, from their friends, from standardized tests — that they’re “gifted” or a “genius,” as my daughter did, a global expectation of achievement without a learning curve is created both within them and within others.  If you experienced this, even now you probably expect yourself to be a quick study at whatever you set out to do; in fact, you may well expect not to have to study at all. When you meet up with a tough challenge that requires an extended trial-and-error learning process, you may feel immobilized.

The self-esteem of kids who’ve been labeled “gifted” may come to hinge on being “right”, on catching on to each new skill the first time, on always having the answer, on always being the brightest in the group, on finishing the test first — in short, on being globally gifted. When they’re faced with a problem that they can’t immediately solve, they’re really frightened — so much that they shut down or lash out or become depressed.

This is how it’s possible for brilliant people to have a low sense of self-worth. It’s what I call the “Smart Trap”.

You can’t fix this by trying to be smarter.  The fix occurs at a deeper level.  It’s a complex de-tangling of self-worth from innate ability. It’s a redefinition of what it means to be strong — from getting it right the first time to having the confidence to persist through first tries and next tries.

The other day when I began working on this post, my daughter told me how she had come to terms with the stress of being labeled. I thought it might be useful to share her thinking with you.

“I’ve always been uncomfortable when someone uses the term ‘genius’ to describe me,” she explained, “because ‘genius’ suggests that a person is good at everything, which is almost never true. I’m certainly not. There are things that I am good at, and there are other things that I’m lousy at, just like pretty much anyone else. The only real difference is degree: The things I’m good at, I’m unusually good at. For me, what has allowed me to be monumentally lousy at certain things without it totally wrecking my self-image is the understanding that ability isn’t an across-the-board thing, for me or anyone else.”

It’s a simple– but not necessarily easy – recipe for happiness, one that you can cook up for yourself first — and then serve to your kids.

There are those moments — sometimes in the dark where no one can see, sometimes a glimmer coming through the trees like a ray of sunlight — when you can feel the spark of possibility that lives inside of you.  It exists, like swans in the moonlight, whether or not anyone sees.

And then it seems as though it is just as quickly gone. You no longer see yourself from the inside out; instead, you are looking from the outside in.  Every way in which you do not match some arbitrary ideal is highlighted — like spots on the kitchen windows when the sun streams through on a crisp fall day.  When examined under bright light for flaws, my beloved little house no longer seems to have any value at all.

But the essence of a person is not the sum of her perceived flaws!  The essence is that spark, the essence is a swan in the moonlight. And it has nothing to do with fitting into a standard mold of conformity.

You may have been a child — or have a child — who just doesn’t seem to fit in.  Taller or more outspoken than the others — or almost silent; covered with spills and rumpled when classmates are starched; studying what makes windmills turn when friends are playing dolls — it’s so easy to miss the genius within when the light is harsh and unbending.

“Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
– Albert Einstein

Becoming a swan means letting the spark emerge so that you are the spark.  The external trappings of conformity cease to have importance in the face of the possibility of being.

Self development is about daring to be a swan. When you feel that glimmer, I encourage you to seize it, embrace it and grow into it.

What energy, if we each were to support the unreproducible circle of human beings who surround us, each child, each adult, in doing that, too.

But is it necessary?

Women often feel wrong about committing time or money to their own personal growth.  “My time belongs to my family,” you may believe.  And, particularly if you aren’t the primary financial provider in your household, you may feel guilty even thinking about investing in your own development as if it were a superfluous luxury, despite significant expenditures for the recreation and development of other members of your family. It seems that women are socialized to reflexively apply this double standard and to subordinate themselves financially, as if their contributions had no solid value to the family.

But being a mom, being a wife, creating a home, running a household — and likely holding a job as well — all involve a certain amount of wear and tear, and they necessitate some recovery.

So is self development a luxury?  There’s more research every day that shows it is not.  In this brief post, I want to share some examples of these findings.  For instance, did you know that:

• Studies show that people who work to gain insight into themselves, their fears, their reality and their stress have fewer physical issues.
• Everyday stress, as well as less usual trauma, affects the functioning of the immune system and increases vulnerability to physical illness.
• Research shows that immune function improves when people have a chance to process trauma.
• Understanding their own inner struggles with the help of therapy has been shown to result in increased metabolic stability for children with diabetes.
• Helping people change the way they think has produced improvement in conditions as varied as insomnia, irritable bowel, and even skin problems!
• Statistically, people with diabetes, asthma, hypertension and heart disease have been shown to do better physically over a five-year period if they participate in psychotherapy.  In fact, the longer the participation, the better they do.
• Preliminary studies show that not only does learning to think differently about yourself through “cognitive behavioral” strategies used in life coaching and therapy cause changes in the brain, those changes are different in a powerful way from the changes caused by antidepressant medication. It is theorized that the changes caused by personal development affect a part of the brain that increases your cognitive control over how you feel, whereas medication may merely decrease negative emotion regardless of your thoughts.  How much more powerful and permanent to be able to regulate your mood independently of a drug!

So you can see that the mind-body connection that you’ve intuitively known exists has been scientifically validated in powerful ways.  When you experience sea change — a powerful shift in your experience of self — there’s every reason to believe that your body benefits along with the renewed energy for life that personal growth always brings.

In fact, you might say that while following a path of personal transformation with a guide by your side does truly feel luxurious, wellness is not superfluous, nor can it really be called a luxury.