I was reading Jonathan D. Kramer’s program notes during a Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra concert that I recently attended and was astounded to read what the composer had to say about his own work:

“I have just played over the first movement of my concerto, and only now has it become clear to me that the transition from the first theme to the second is not good and that in this form the first theme is no more than an introduction — and that no fool would believe it to be a second theme.  Everybody will think this the beginning of the concerto. I consider the whole movement ruined, and from this minute it has become positively hideous to me.  I am simply in despair.”

This is Sergei Rachmaninoff speaking of one of the most beloved pieces in music — his second piano concerto in C minor — five days before he was to play the first complete performance!

It always stuns me that the greatest geniuses, the creators of the most profound work, are devastated by self-doubt — and, in Rachmaninoff’s case, go into deep and long-lasting depression.

I tell you that to say that your doubts about your work are in no way an accurate reflection of the value of the actual work, nor do they provide a valid assessment of your competence.  They are simply a reflection of your own doubts about yourself.

What was Rachmaninoff in despair over?  Please sit back in your chair and  listen while Sergei Rachmaninoff plays his Piano Concerto No. 2.

When you feel like quitting, let these unforgettable strains of music come back to you, and then think about the potential cost of second guessing instead of paying attention to your instinct.  Rachmaninoff’s instinct told him to write the music in that precise way; his second guessing told him that the form was incorrect.  But forms change — because people have the courage to act on intuition.  History recognizes these brave pioneers later as visionaries.

This is not such an easy concept for people who in childhood have been identified as “gifted” — or just plain smart. The unintended consequences of these seemingly helpful labels often carry all the way through adulthood.

When kids grow up hearing over and over — at school, from their friends, from standardized tests — that they’re “gifted” or a “genius,” as my daughter did, a global expectation of achievement without a learning curve is created both within them and within others.  If you experienced this, even now you probably expect yourself to be a quick study at whatever you set out to do; in fact, you may well expect not to have to study at all. When you meet up with a tough challenge that requires an extended trial-and-error learning process, you may feel immobilized.

The self-esteem of kids who’ve been labeled “gifted” may come to hinge on being “right”, on catching on to each new skill the first time, on always having the answer, on always being the brightest in the group, on finishing the test first — in short, on being globally gifted. When they’re faced with a problem that they can’t immediately solve, they’re really frightened — so much that they shut down or lash out or become depressed.

This is how it’s possible for brilliant people to have a low sense of self-worth. It’s what I call the “Smart Trap”. 

You can’t fix this by trying to be smarter.  The fix occurs at a deeper level.  It’s a complex de-tangling of self-worth from innate ability. It’s a redefinition of what it means to be strong — from getting it right the first time to having the confidence to persist through first tries and next tries.

The other day when I began working on this post, my daughter told me how she had come to terms with the stress of being labeled. I thought it might be useful to share her thinking with you.

“I’ve always been uncomfortable when someone uses the term ‘genius’ to describe me,” she explained, “because ‘genius’ suggests that a person is good at everything, which is almost never true. I’m certainly not. There are things that I am good at, and there are other things that I’m lousy at, just like pretty much anyone else. The only real difference is degree: The things I’m good at, I’m unusually good at. For me, what has allowed me to be monumentally lousy at certain things without it totally wrecking my self-image is the understanding that ability isn’t an across-the-board thing, for me or anyone else.”

It’s a simple– but not necessarily easy – recipe for happiness, one that you can cook up for yourself first — and then serve to your kids.

There are those moments — sometimes in the dark where no one can see, sometimes a glimmer coming through the trees like a ray of sunlight — when you can feel the spark of possibility that lives inside of you.  It exists, like swans in the moonlight, whether or not anyone sees.

And then it seems as though it is just as quickly gone. You no longer see yourself from the inside out; instead, you are looking from the outside in.  Every way in which you do not match some arbitrary ideal is highlighted — like spots on the kitchen windows when the sun streams through on a crisp fall day.  When examined under bright light for flaws, my beloved little house no longer seems to have any value at all.

But the essence of a person is not the sum of her perceived flaws!  The essence is that spark, the essence is a swan in the moonlight. And it has nothing to do with fitting into a standard mold of conformity.

You may have been a child — or have a child — who just doesn’t seem to fit in.  Taller or more outspoken than the others — or almost silent; covered with spills and rumpled when classmates are starched; studying what makes windmills turn when friends are playing dolls — it’s so easy to miss the genius within when the light is harsh and unbending.

“Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”                                    
– Albert Einstein

Becoming a swan means letting the spark emerge so that you are the spark.  The external trappings of conformity cease to have importance in the face of the possibility of being. 

Self development is about daring to be a swan. When you feel that glimmer, I encourage you to seize it, embrace it and grow into it. 

What energy, if we each were to support the unreproducible circle of human beings who surround us, each child, each adult, in doing that, too.

But is it necessary?

Women often feel wrong about committing time or money to their own personal growth.  “My time belongs to my family,” you may believe.  And, particularly if you aren’t the primary financial provider in your household, you may feel guilty even thinking about investing in your own development as if it were a superfluous luxury, despite significant expenditures for the recreation and development of other members of your family. It seems that women are socialized to reflexively apply this double standard and to subordinate themselves financially, as if their contributions had no solid value to the family.

But being a mom, being a wife, creating a home, running a household — and likely holding a job as well — all involve a certain amount of wear and tear, and they necessitate some recovery.

So is self development a luxury?  There’s more research every day that shows it is not.  In this brief post, I want to share some examples of these findings.  For instance, did you know that:

• Studies show that people who work to gain insight into themselves, their fears, their reality and their stress have fewer physical issues.
• Everyday stress, as well as less usual trauma, affects the functioning of the immune system and increases vulnerability to physical illness.
• Research shows that immune function improves when people have a chance to process trauma.
• Understanding their own inner struggles with the help of therapy has been shown to result in increased metabolic stability for children with diabetes.
• Helping people change the way they think has produced improvement in conditions as varied as insomnia, irritable bowel, and even skin problems!
• Statistically, people with diabetes, asthma, hypertension and heart disease have been shown to do better physically over a five-year period if they participate in psychotherapy.  In fact, the longer the participation, the better they do.
• Preliminary studies show that not only does learning to think differently about yourself through “cognitive behavioral” strategies used in life coaching and therapy cause changes in the brain, those changes are different in a powerful way from the changes caused by antidepressant medication. It is theorized that the changes caused by personal development affect a part of the brain that increases your cognitive control over how you feel, whereas medication may merely decrease negative emotion regardless of your thoughts.  How much more powerful and permanent to be able to regulate your mood independently of a drug!

So you can see that the mind-body connection that you’ve intuitively known exists has been scientifically validated in powerful ways.  When you experience sea change — a powerful shift in your experience of self — there’s every reason to believe that your body benefits along with the renewed energy for life that personal growth always brings.

In fact, you might say that while following a path of personal transformation with a guide by your side does truly feel luxurious, wellness is not superfluous, nor can it really be called a luxury.

Children have a very concrete notion about how much “space” there is in the heart of someone they love.  With the help of emotionally healthy adults, kids learn that the human heart has the capacity for infinite expansion — but it takes time and experience to feel this.  Until that comprehension dawns, it may feel to kids that anyone who takes their special adult’s time or attention or energy has “used them up” and left them forgotten.  The result is a great need to get rid of the “competition” and to command the attention of that significant other in order to fend off feeling worthless or abandoned, two of the most painful of human emotions. 

The sadness of imagining oneself forgotten is not trivial.  The fear of this, when the early lesson that people remain constant even in their absence has not yet been gently demonstrated, can be overwhelming.  Kids have to learn this first when they realize that their parents can come and go at will; and again when a new sibling enters the scene.

There are two lessons to absorb here:

1. That time and energy are finite; but love is not.
2. That people are not interchangeable; that relationships are unique and not replaceable.

Experience is the best way to absorb these lessons.  Whether it’s your child aching for your presence or you painfully missing someone, each time that special person is busy or is involved with another person and then comes back and is fully present with you, the comprehension that “I am valued.  No one can take my place,” is reinforced.  But experience can be a slow teacher.  Using a powerful image can convey this crucial knowledge more quickly — and has the advantage of being able to be summoned up whenever fear and doubt threaten to take hold.

Your child could imagine herself as a uniquely shaped piece in a giant jigsaw puzzle.  No matter how many other pieces there are, there is only one that can fill that particular space in the puzzle, and likewise only one of her who can fill that unique place in your heart.  Practice this idea with a real puzzle. Look at the one-of-a-kind color, shading and detail of the piece.  Even a piece with a similar shape cannot fill the space that belongs to another piece.  Symbols can be enormously comforting; you might shop for this puzzle together and work it together more than once. Later on — maybe much later — your child might be ready to understand that her siblings, too, fill very important spaces in your heart.

Or, imagine together a window seat tucked away in your heart.  Describe it together, in great detail — the curtains, the window panes, the tree outside the window, the cushion, the print of the pillows, the coziness of the room that holds this tiny haven.  Help her see that no matter where you are and no matter how alone she is feeling, you carry her in the window seat in your heart.

Sometimes teaching your child lessons like these can make up for the gap of not having been gently taught them by your own parents.  If that gap feels like a permanent, relentless ache, therapy can help. Keeping a consistent sense of your own value and knowing that you are irreplaceable are sources of joy, and you are entitled to them.

It’s very “in” to take responsibility for your shortcomings, and that can be a healthy thing to do.  Until, that is, it extends to taking responsibility for shortcomings that are not yours.   Automatically assigning blame to yourself isn’t always honorable; it’s sometimes just bad science.  It prevents you from seeing the whole picture — which would suggest fresh answers to old problems.

When has feeling like a Bad Person and, metaphorically speaking, Sending Yourself to Your Room ever made anything better? Doling out self-punishment does not sow the seeds needed for change.  In fact, it is debilitating; you’re less likely to have the reserves to try for change when you are feeling badly about yourself.

An alternative to reflex guilt when you’re unhappy with something you’ve done is to ask “Why?”  The objective is to promote understanding rather than blame.  This paves the way for alternatives to surface.  Here’s how it looks:

Step 1 – Ask Why?

• Why did I have that piece of candy?
• Why didn’t I take Annie’s homework to school?
• Why didn’t I walk the dog?
• Why did I need some distance from my significant other?

Step 2 – The “Affirmative Defense”

Celebrating the truth is key to sidestepping the guilt trap. Here’s how it sounds:

• Of course I ate it! I love chocolate! And also, by the way, sometimes I reach for it when I’m anxious because it makes me feel better.
• I didn’t take Annie’s work to her because my job as her mom is to build her ability to handle her responsibilities.  “Protecting” her from her mistakes would cripple her.
• You bet I didn’t walk the dog!  With only so many hours in the day, there were far more essential priorities to handle.
• Why would I be in the mood for intimacy? We just had a huge argument, and nothing has been resolved.  Once we connect again, I’ll probably feel differently.

Step 3 – Let your insight suggest options for the future.

Just as comprehending why someone has done something that hurt you allows you to move forward, looking inside yourself for the why of a choice that you regret surfaces new thinking on how to solve a problem in a more helpful way. Here are some examples, but remember, your own answers are likely to be completely different:

• Reaching for candy is a signal that I’m anxious — or a natural response to seeing something really good. Maybe next time I can insert a pause to figure out what’s going on before I inhale a box of truffles :).
• I think I’ll tell Annie why I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to bring her the things she forgets.  That way, she’ll know what to expect and, even if she’s unhappy about it, she’ll know I’m looking out for her.
• There are five people in this house; I think we could brainstorm how to make sure the dog gets a walk.
• When I pull away from my partner, I’m not being selfish or rejecting. It’s probably a signal that I need us to talk about something.

Walking under a thunder cloud of guilt leaves all of these insights buried; it’s just not constructive or effective.  And besides, and not least by any means, it hurts you.  So – perhaps you could try not to land there.  The next time you feel the cloud thickening, I hope you’ll try this process out.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll come back with a verdict of “Not Guilty, Your Honor.”  And the tenth time, when the responsibility is truly yours and there’s been some actual damage, keep any guilt you feel proportionate to the misstep — and then let it serve its legitimate function as a catalyst for you to empathically seek to resolve the issue.

If you’ve ever stopped here and there during the day to really analyze what you’re dealing with, you know it’s a lot more than you usually articulate.  You thought you were just trying to bring in the mail — but on the way, you found the puddle the dog left, the pile of socks and shoes in the den, and wouldn’t you know — the light didn’t come on when you opened the garage door.  Or — you’re working at the computer and discover that the updated browser is reconfigured or your software has been updated — and the simple task you set out to do now requires relearning the programs before you can get it done.

Most of these handicaps are never even articulated — but you can come to the end of a nonstop, busy day feeling that you’ve accomplished nothing!  Somewhere in that pile of details, you’ve lost yourself.

When you can sort through all of that to reconnect with your own gifts and accomplishments, tired as you may be, you’ll feel positive about tomorrow.  It’s a little like panning for gold.

Start by downloading Pure Gold.  Read on to learn how to use this energy-generating tool.

1. Save Pure Gold to your desktop so opening it is quick and easy.
2. At the end of the day — or whenever you want to capture a thought — open the document.
3. In the first column, record accomplishments.  Please don’t wait to win an award!  A worthy example might be: “I was able to help Beth make a decision to take her bath without having a tantrum…”
4. In the second column, take a minute to identify what it is about you that made it possible for you to do this: “…because I could empathize with how hard it was to come in from playing in the creek…”
5. In the third column, put into words the skill attached to this quality: “… and could convey that to her.”

There’s no one right way to do this; the columns are there to trigger your thinking.  It’s okay to leave some of them blank. What you’re striving to do is to put into words how you made a difference for the people you met up with today.  So many of these things are simple and fleeting — like asking a clerk, “How are you today?” and seeing the smile of appreciation that comes from being recognized as a person with feelings.  Others are technical, like work-related accomplishments.  They may have to do with relationships.  They may have to do with encouraging, validating, championing people — including yourself.

You’re on the right path if you find yourself rereading your list and thinking, “Wow, I did that!”

By definition :), Pure Gold is a valuable document.  Use it to “pan for the gold” of a tough day.  Read it when you’re feeling blue, to remind yourself of your values, your competency, your worth as a human being.  You might even use it to help you write a resume or consider a new career path.

However you put it to use, in this instance anyway, you’ll find that it’s the gold and not the devil that lies in the details.  Happy panning!

The psychological parallel to the thorn from that rosebush is what I refer to as an emotional thorn. Past trauma is an example of an emotional thorn that needs removal, and there are many smaller examples that happen every day. If you’ve been painfully misunderstood, that’s an emotional thorn.  If your feelings have been hurt by someone’s words, even accidentally, that’s an emotional thorn.  Stumbling over your words in a conversation with your boss; having your concerns treated dismissively — these are all simple splinters that can be extracted immediately, but stand to become infected, or, at the very least distracting, if they aren’t.  Misunderstandings create barriers that can seriously erode relationships. Your own mistakes and missteps, if not understood, can leave you with a festering sense of inadequacy.  Unprocessed trauma can do this, too.  All of this spells depression.

The point of the rosebush tale is that as notoriously penny-pinching as insurance companies are, no one suggested that the thorn could stay in.  No one said, “It’s a thorn, for crying out loud. Brave up!”

This was not magnanimous on their part.  It was simply cost-effective.  An embedded thorn can become infected — and then the bills really mount up.

The fact is, I did take the ignore-it-and-it’ll-go-away approach — for close to a year, and it did (mostly) stop hurting after awhile.  From my point of view, a little pain and the sort of tattoo effect of the splinter required far less in the way of personal fortitude than doing something about them.  (Evidently the doctor had encountered many others with this same gutless orientation, a fact that I ascertained when, in a single flowing maneuver, he deftly clamped my ankle under his arm in an anti-kick position and pulled the previously concealed hypodermic needle out of his coat pocket.)

We seem to accept the wisdom of promptly removing foreign objects.  And it’s patently obvious that you can’t remove a splinter by loudly asserting to the person that a broken leg would have been a real pain.  Has anyone ever successfully removed a shard of glass by simply proclaiming that it’s no big deal?

Emotional thorns, whether they’re your own or someone else’s, are best handled in the same action-oriented way you’d take if you got a splinter from the deck.  Like splinters, they’re actually very easy to remove, and they don’t have to escalate into an infection.  And they won’t, if you’re willing to take them seriously and address them.

It takes some courage and trust to expose hurt feelings so they can be healed.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

• When feelings are hurt, don’t demand of yourself (or anyone else) to “ignore it and it will go away.”  If you think of it metaphorically, that’s simply nonsense!
• Instead, seek to understand it — even if your own actions turn out to be the source of the pain. You might say to your child — or spouse — “When I kept reading my book when you were talking, you thought I didn’t care about what you were saying.”
• If you were on the receiving end, start with a question — like, “What should I take from the fact that I’m talking about something that is important to me, and you are continuing to read?”  If you begin to see that the other person is simply too busy to listen right then, a toxic blow to your self esteem is averted. If there’s more to it, you can have a constructive conversation.
• Validate, don’t deny.  Whether it’s about your own uncomfortable feelings or someone else’s, acknowledge them.  “Your [my] feelings are really hurt,” starts the process of eliminating the emotional thorn.  “It’s ridiculous of you to be angry,” by contrast, makes the area redden and become more painful.
• Get help to work through trauma.  It’s not only the event itself that can affect you on for decades after it’s over; even more so, it’s the beliefs you develop about yourself as a result that create “infection” that needs to be treated.
• Small splinters count.  Isn’t it amazing how you can tell when there’s the tiniest of splinters in your finger or your foot?  That signal allows you to remove it before it gets embedded or infected.  Small emotional splinters work the same way.  Your awareness of feeling slighted or invalidated is a signal to take action.  By learning to deal with these everyday occurrences easily, painful dips in your mood will level out and your relationships will deepen.
• Sometimes removing the thorn is as simple and silent as validating yourself — a quick acknowledgement of your own feelings.  This becomes second nature, replacing the less helpful reflex to chastise yourself for feeling upset.
• Can you ever ignore an emotional thorn?  I’d rather see you develop the reflex to validate your own feelings than to ignore or suppress them.  Remember — acknowledging discomfort doesn’t mean you have to take action.  But be careful here; it’s a slippery slope once you start dismissing rather than acting on your feelings, and that choice often has more to do with keeping others happy than taking care of yourself. Unless the situation is of no importance, it’s better to deal, either within yourself if that’s where the discomfort is coming from, or with the other person, if change is needed.

This quick podcast will introduce you to a downloadable tool for juggling the priorities in your busy life so that you can continue on the path of becoming the person you’re meant to be. Download the “Balls in the Air” tool here.

Right click to download.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

So that’s the plan, which I step into with the naive confidence that the lack of a crystal ball makes possible.  Surely the universe is laughing.

Ha!  First off, it turns out that Rescue pads have been discontinued.  And the burnt out light bulb that I go to change, feeling efficient since I not only have the special bulbs, but I know where they are, breaks off in the socket, the glass globe hanging by a thread of wire.  This now requires hitting the circuit breakers, doing the tennis ball trick to remove it (which sounds good but never works, so really it’s about prying it out with a pliers while little shards of whatever sprinkle the tablecloth below).

Okay, that can wait.  I head for the computer.

No internet.

We have now reached a classic You have got to be kidding me! moment.

I could do the birdcage while waiting for Cincinnati Bell to get Zoomtown moving again.  But – ugh.  No, what’s needed here is a show of force, a grand gesture.  It’s time for a return to the territory of I Can.

Here’s what I mean.  When you’re facing a truckload of things that need to be done, and you hit barrier after barrier, by noon you’re ready to hang it up.  You might not even realize why this wave of inertia has hit, because most of the jungle that springs up around you consists of barriers that you never even articulate.  Like the phone call that you automatically keep trying to make, in between other tasks, but can never get through; the endless voice prompts from the insurance company that prevent you from reaching a human being – or reaching one who has no authority to help you anyway; the product that actually worked and is now unavailable; a troubling misunderstanding, a new wrinkle – and those are the trivial examples.  The bigger things – financial barriers, treading through a divorce, a child who is having difficulties, job concerns or health problems – added to the everyday barriers can leave you feeling hopelessly ineffectual.  When the stack of barriers hits critical mass, inertia sets in.

The answer to this is to accomplish something.  On this particular Saturday, that happens in the form of exiting the house to do some simple, achievable errands.  At the first store, I find my also-discontinued make-up, which makes me suddenly more hopeful.  It is at Target that the sense of possibility returns.  I’m not a die-hard Target fan (does anyone else think it smells funny in there?), but there are literally hundreds of small fixes in the store – that is, small items that can solve a host of household or fashion problems.  Just seeing them displayed in front of me as I walk by shifts my vision from what-I-cannot-do to what-I-can.  And that is the point of the exercise.  I come home with unscented dryer sheets (so I can wash the dog blanket and actually get the fur off – and simultaneously not trigger an instant asthma attack in my dear friend Ralph), the discontinued compact (instant feel-good purchase), and a Rescue pad alternative (stove will shine). Given the blandness of my purchases, I feel almost ridiculously optimistic.

That’s because it doesn’t matter what problem you solve; it only matters that you solve one.  Once you manage to get something to happen, you’re on the road again with renewed momentum.  Even if it’s screwing in a light bulb, you’ve re-entered the territory of I Can.

Heading for the bird cage now…