There are those moments — sometimes in the dark where no one can see, sometimes a glimmer coming through the trees like a ray of sunlight — when you can feel the spark of possibility that lives inside of you.  It exists, like swans in the moonlight, whether or not anyone sees.

And then it seems as though it is just as quickly gone. You no longer see yourself from the inside out; instead, you are looking from the outside in.  Every way in which you do not match some arbitrary ideal is highlighted — like spots on the kitchen windows when the sun streams through on a crisp fall day.  When examined under bright light for flaws, my beloved little house no longer seems to have any value at all.

But the essence of a person is not the sum of her perceived flaws!  The essence is that spark, the essence is a swan in the moonlight. And it has nothing to do with fitting into a standard mold of conformity.

You may have been a child — or have a child — who just doesn’t seem to fit in.  Taller or more outspoken than the others — or almost silent; covered with spills and rumpled when classmates are starched; studying what makes windmills turn when friends are playing dolls — it’s so easy to miss the genius within when the light is harsh and unbending.

“Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”                                    
– Albert Einstein

Becoming a swan means letting the spark emerge so that you are the spark.  The external trappings of conformity cease to have importance in the face of the possibility of being. 

Self development is about daring to be a swan. When you feel that glimmer, I encourage you to seize it, embrace it and grow into it. 

What energy, if we each were to support the unreproducible circle of human beings who surround us, each child, each adult, in doing that, too.

But is it necessary?

Women often feel wrong about committing time or money to their own personal growth.  “My time belongs to my family,” you may believe.  And, particularly if you aren’t the primary financial provider in your household, you may feel guilty even thinking about investing in your own development as if it were a superfluous luxury, despite significant expenditures for the recreation and development of other members of your family. It seems that women are socialized to reflexively apply this double standard and to subordinate themselves financially, as if their contributions had no solid value to the family.

But being a mom, being a wife, creating a home, running a household — and likely holding a job as well — all involve a certain amount of wear and tear, and they necessitate some recovery.

So is self development a luxury?  There’s more research every day that shows it is not.  In this brief post, I want to share some examples of these findings.  For instance, did you know that:

• Studies show that people who work to gain insight into themselves, their fears, their reality and their stress have fewer physical issues.
• Everyday stress, as well as less usual trauma, affects the functioning of the immune system and increases vulnerability to physical illness.
• Research shows that immune function improves when people have a chance to process trauma.
• Understanding their own inner struggles with the help of therapy has been shown to result in increased metabolic stability for children with diabetes.
• Helping people change the way they think has produced improvement in conditions as varied as insomnia, irritable bowel, and even skin problems!
• Statistically, people with diabetes, asthma, hypertension and heart disease have been shown to do better physically over a five-year period if they participate in psychotherapy.  In fact, the longer the participation, the better they do.
• Preliminary studies show that not only does learning to think differently about yourself through “cognitive behavioral” strategies used in life coaching and therapy cause changes in the brain, those changes are different in a powerful way from the changes caused by antidepressant medication. It is theorized that the changes caused by personal development affect a part of the brain that increases your cognitive control over how you feel, whereas medication may merely decrease negative emotion regardless of your thoughts.  How much more powerful and permanent to be able to regulate your mood independently of a drug!

So you can see that the mind-body connection that you’ve intuitively known exists has been scientifically validated in powerful ways.  When you experience sea change — a powerful shift in your experience of self — there’s every reason to believe that your body benefits along with the renewed energy for life that personal growth always brings.

In fact, you might say that while following a path of personal transformation with a guide by your side does truly feel luxurious, wellness is not superfluous, nor can it really be called a luxury.

If you’ve ever stopped here and there during the day to really analyze what you’re dealing with, you know it’s a lot more than you usually articulate.  You thought you were just trying to bring in the mail — but on the way, you found the puddle the dog left, the pile of socks and shoes in the den, and wouldn’t you know — the light didn’t come on when you opened the garage door.  Or — you’re working at the computer and discover that the updated browser is reconfigured or your software has been updated — and the simple task you set out to do now requires relearning the programs before you can get it done.

Most of these handicaps are never even articulated — but you can come to the end of a nonstop, busy day feeling that you’ve accomplished nothing!  Somewhere in that pile of details, you’ve lost yourself.

When you can sort through all of that to reconnect with your own gifts and accomplishments, tired as you may be, you’ll feel positive about tomorrow.  It’s a little like panning for gold.

Start by downloading Pure Gold.  Read on to learn how to use this energy-generating tool.

1. Save Pure Gold to your desktop so opening it is quick and easy.
2. At the end of the day — or whenever you want to capture a thought — open the document.
3. In the first column, record accomplishments.  Please don’t wait to win an award!  A worthy example might be: “I was able to help Beth make a decision to take her bath without having a tantrum…”
4. In the second column, take a minute to identify what it is about you that made it possible for you to do this: “…because I could empathize with how hard it was to come in from playing in the creek…”
5. In the third column, put into words the skill attached to this quality: “… and could convey that to her.”

There’s no one right way to do this; the columns are there to trigger your thinking.  It’s okay to leave some of them blank. What you’re striving to do is to put into words how you made a difference for the people you met up with today.  So many of these things are simple and fleeting — like asking a clerk, “How are you today?” and seeing the smile of appreciation that comes from being recognized as a person with feelings.  Others are technical, like work-related accomplishments.  They may have to do with relationships.  They may have to do with encouraging, validating, championing people — including yourself.

You’re on the right path if you find yourself rereading your list and thinking, “Wow, I did that!”

By definition :), Pure Gold is a valuable document.  Use it to “pan for the gold” of a tough day.  Read it when you’re feeling blue, to remind yourself of your values, your competency, your worth as a human being.  You might even use it to help you write a resume or consider a new career path.

However you put it to use, in this instance anyway, you’ll find that it’s the gold and not the devil that lies in the details.  Happy panning!

This quick podcast will introduce you to a downloadable tool for juggling the priorities in your busy life so that you can continue on the path of becoming the person you’re meant to be. Download the “Balls in the Air” tool here.

Right click to download.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

One day last winter I was talking with a vivacious young mother of three — two little boys and a little girl.  I’ve long since forgotten her larger topic, because I was so taken with something she said almost parenthetically.

Her little girl, age eight, she explained, wanted to be able to sail a boat someday.  Her dream seemed hopelessly out of reach to her.  In response to her mom’s empathic comments, the child said sadly, “But I can’t sail a boat…”

Without so much as a thought, because it was so natural to her, her mom responded, “That takes awhile.  We’ll get you there.”

What struck me was the absolute presumption that her child’s reaching her goal was not merely a function of individual will and struggle.  No, not at all!  It was assumed that this fortunate little girl would be wrapped in a wave of support that would sweep her toward her cherished destination. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but she wouldn’t be alone on the path.  And – she would make it; her mom had no doubt.

“We’ll get you there.”

Why is it so often our default to believe that whatever we want, we will have to achieve alone, when the reality is that almost all people who have achieved anything of personal significance will say, if they’re willing to be honest, that they couldn’t have done it without the unwavering help and support of at least one — and often three or four — other people?

This wonderful mom’s words conveyed quiet confidence; they comprised a statement of fact and intent. Her reassuring certainty evoked in me the sense of a wave, in the form of the bracing support of family, that will move this little girl where she points herself, if she does her part.

This isn’t just kids’ stuff.  Having helpers, teachers, guides, friends — there is far more to this than the nuts and bolts of the logistical assistance they provide.  At a very deep level, they provide the strengthening, almost physical sensation of having someone in your corner, backing you up, taking your goals as something that they, too, have a role in.

Imagine a wave, larger than yourself, surrounding you, when you take on the dreams that are dearest to you.  Imagine the feeling of one — or several — people who respond to your wish saying, “That takes a while.  We’ll get you there.”

It’s not always easy to find the right people; you may have a few fiascoes.  But when when you connect with that certain energy and when you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to accept the hand that reaches out to you, you will sail.

The secrets that you do not share have the power to completely transform your life and how you feel about yourself.

Right click to download.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

You Are Invited to One Woman’s Voice, a book group!

We’ll be talking about Geneen Roth’s Appetites: the search for true nourishment.

When: Monday, August 8, 2011 at 7:00
Where: The Self Development Place at 210 W. Loveland Ave. in Historic Loveland
Cost: It’s FREE — but register now, because seating is limited.

To register, please submit the form at the end of this post.

If you’re an Oprah fan, or, alternately, if you’ve ever searched the shelves for the key to the dieting dilemma, you’ve come across Geneen Roth.

Roth, the author of a series of introspective books about emotional eating, has allowed her readers into her own struggles with food — and, ultimately, with self worth.  In Appetites: on the search for true nourishment, Roth delves deeper, realizing after a lifetime of searching externally for self worth — through comforting food, soft clothes, success — that the source of a solid sense of self worth lies within.

It is so poignantly clear that compulsive activities, from eating to shopping, serve as ways of soothing the pain of a hurt much deeper than hunger.  There is no shame in looking for relief from personal pain; it is what we are meant to do.  The insidious thing is that what seems to bring relief only does so temporarily — and in the long run, the side effects of these activities exponentially increase the pain.  It is a truly vicious circle, one that many, many women spend a lifetime in.

In Appetites, Roth explores the cruel false equation that women in our culture accept without question: that the size — or shape or features — of your body equate to your value as a human being, and therefore that the key to feeling whole is to be “beautiful”.  Until you discover, experience, and believe in your intrinsic value as a human being, it is almost impossible to make a lasting change in hurtful, compulsive activities that soothe the devastating feeling of being worthless, inadequate, unwantable .

The answer, then, is not to swear to ruthlessly eliminate the very thing that is soothing you.  Instead, the answer lies in eliminating the need for it.

Our society desperately, arrogantly demands a “quick fix” for anything and everything, from instant weight loss to an overnight cure for lifelong depression.  I recently received a letter from a major insurance company updating me — in case I hadn’t noticed??? — that one of my clients had been in to see me more than fifteen times.  Their clients, the letter went on to say, generally get better in eight sessions.  The threat was advanced that the “case” would be set for a major review if I continued to see this young woman, who had experienced an entire lifetime of sexual, emotional and physical abuse.

I was disgusted, but not surprised.  Quick fixes are about low investment.  They have nothing to do with genuine healing and change.  Feeling empty, longing for something that seems completely out-of-reach, feeling inadequate or even worthless — this kind of deep pain can go away, if you’re willing to do what it takes to dissolve it.  But it won’t be quick, and it won’t be easy.  I hope you’ll do it anyway.  The path is filled with sadness and joy, setbacks and triumph — and at the end of it lies you, yourself, whole and joyful. This journey is precious beyond measure.  Roth: “The process is the goal.”  What you will feel and experience; the people you will meet; the self you will find, bit by bit — this path is your life.

I think you’ll find in Appetites a way of understanding your own struggles that will provide hope and inspiration.  Believing in the possibility of change is perhaps the first step on the path to beginning to understand what it is that you’re really hungry for.

Register here to attend One Woman’s Voice on August 8, where you’ll have the opportunity to talk about the insights you’ve gained from Geneen Roth’s Appetites: the search for true nourishment.

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It’s also been raining for six weeks — at least in Cincinnati, where I’m sitting at my desk.  I say this with a wink and a smile at its relative triviality, but it’s a fact that this dreary, unrelenting grayness is dragging people down and generally causing a lot of extra bother.  I myself was the lucky recipient on Mother’s Day of a long-wished-for pair of tall rubber boots — shiny yellow with white polka dots — which, with the swamp of mud in my back yard and Maggie, the golden retriever who needs me with her to “go outside,” were perfectly on the mark. ( Not just in terms of the mud, either; it just occurred to me that adding a little bright color has actually relieved the gloom — like one of those black and white photos that has a single red rose.)

But, back to today’s question. How, when your world is in muddy disarray, are you supposed to find time to “work on” your relationships?  The answer is in the four mini-dares that you’ll find in this post.

Enhancing relationships is often about getting smarter, not working harder.  It’s about becoming highly aware of the opportunities to connect by simply being yourself.  It doesn’t have to take more time and energy (indeed, connecting successfully with another person will regenerate rather than deplete your energy).

I’ve heard it said that there are two paths a relationship can take: either it grows or it stagnates and dies. Whether it’s your marriage, a friendship or a relationship with one of your children, “maintaining the status quo” is just a form of stagnation.

What makes relationships really exciting, compelling even, is the self development that they stimulate.  When you’re with someone who challenges you to grow, you feel alive and positive about yourself!

This is really obvious when it comes to parenting.  Each child is a puzzle and it’s tremendously gratifying to figure out what works and to connect with your child! Really learning another person is another part of what keeps relationships sizzling.

It’s a little more subtle when it comes to the relationship with your significant other.  The key self development challenge, the one thing that can make the bond between you ever stronger, is the courage to be yourself and to embrace your partner’s efforts to be real with you.

Courage, really?  Definitely.  It takes courage to share a loving thought if you are fearful of being dismissed.  Far safer to keep it to yourself.  If you believe that your value to others lies in always agreeing with them, it takes guts to take a stand.  Sharing your fears about growing closer takes a double dose of courage.

Here are four mini-dares to start with. Think of each of these as taking “one step further into the woods” — the title of an Invincible Voice podcast on moving into the unknown.  And remember, it often takes less than a minute to transform a connection with someone you love from bland to spicy.

1. Share your happy thoughts. If you’re driving by the cafe where the two you you had a lovely lunch last summer, send a quick text.  “You’re on my mind — I just drove by The Coffee Courtyard and remembered how much I loved being there with you!”  Receiving a message like this feels delicious.
2. Openly disagree. Give up “people pleasing” and say what you really think.  Relationships can only thrive when real people, not facades of people, are involved.
3. Speak your fears.It can be psychologically frightening to allow someone fully into your heart.  It’s completely predictable to have fears of losing someone whom you’ve come to love; of becoming dependent; of being abandoned.  Saying your fears out loud is liberating — and it gives you your partner the opportunity to move closer to you by fully understanding what you are feeling.
4. Be very curious. Extend the same gift of understanding to your partner.  Learn about what he or she loves — and why; what s/he fears — and why; what s/he believes — and how this might differ from your own beliefs.  One of life’s greatest gifts is being invited by another person to freely expand into the person you authentically are meant to be.

Scary or not, these are some of the ingredients to a tantalizing relationship.

Go ahead — I dare you : ).

So I am not suggesting, with the idea of feeling “perfect on your own”, that you should spend your life in independent isolation.  I’m not out to advocate for the single life.

“No, no, a thousand times no!” as the old song goes.  Feeling perfect on your own is not about divorce.

Human beings are social creatures.  Many people (but not all) want a life partner, and most of us like — and need — to be around other people.  But there is an essential distinction between needing to be connected to another person in order to feel whole versus thriving in the presence of another person who brings out the best in you.

And that’s the distinction I’m trying to get to when I talk about feeling perfect on your own.

Here’s what I mean.

If the relationship you’re in feels more like a splint than a thrill, that’s a sign that you’re feeling like you can’t stand up on your own, that perhaps you feel a need to merge with another person to support you in facing life.  Of course, it’s normal for partners to provide support for each other through the ups and downs of everyday life.  But this is different.  This is a sense that if not for the other person, you couldn’t make it.

By the way, this happens as often to men as it does to women although that’s less likely to be talked about or even noticed!

For a person experiencing this kind of dependence, the result is that she is no longer in the relationship by choice.  She’s there because she doesn’t believe that she can survive outside it.  A downward spiral of emotions between her and her partner is likely to follow — anger, resentment, guilt, fear.  Through it all, she has an inner knowing that there is more to her than this; that she’s capable of so much more.

In other words, she has lost access to a significant part of herself.  Sound familiar?  Then you’ll remember that losing yourself is a fast path to depression and a sense of emptiness about life.  The antidote? Active self-expression.

The way to approach this is by strengthening your knowledge of who you are as a person and to increase your courage to live into that.  Surround yourself with people who affirm you.  That may require you to add some new people into your life. Get in touch with your own opinions and values; speak them and act on them.  This will help you regain your sense of self efficacy; the feeling that you’re capable and competent.  Challenge yourself to learn to do household tasks that you’re insecure about — or learn how to get them done.  Get to know your finances and have a plan to support yourself if you need to.  All of this takes time, but once you’ve done it, you’ll no longer feel compelled to stay in a relationship for survival.  Instead, you’ll be able to make a choice.

If the relationship you’re in is hurtful to you, you’ll be able to leave.  If your life is enhanced by sharing it with your partner, you’ll be able to freely choose to stay.  Your free choice is a plus for your partner.  When you’re involved with another person by choice, because you admire and are attracted to him or her, that’s a true compliment.  Feeling perfect on your own radiates confidence and frees you to love.  To your significant other, you are able to convey, “I feel complete — but my life is even better with you in it.  I love to be with you! I choose you!”

Learn more about the new Perfect on Your Own ecourse, a homestudy course with unlimited online coaching here — and about Perfect on Your Own groups here.

And from that, something clicked that I would like to check out with you.  In fact, I would like very much for you to reply to this column with your reaction.

Many women have had the experience of being quietly shushed.  Inconspicuously and just a little apologetically, maybe your mother or a friend or partner has hinted that you need to hold back a little on expressing yourself; to not be too boisterous or opinionated; to avoid standing out. If you were taught to keep a little quiet, err on the side of beige and to subordinate your wishes and opinions to those of the men in your life, you’re not alone by a long shot.

It occurred to me that, for many of my clients, finding within themselves the power to rebel against this cultural mandate has been a source of liberation and pure pleasure. They love the people in their lives who have tried to keep them in check, but they’ll be kept in check no more.  Once unleashed, their delight is contagious to everyone in their lives.

I think of them as Joyful Rebels and I imagine the lively times they have with their daughters, sharing a spirit of vivaciousness. In fact, being a great mom really does start with having the guts to be yourself.

How about you?  If you’re willing to share, your voice will really help me shape this idea.    Please add a comment or email me at franhendrick@selfdevelopmentplace.com and tell me about your own experiences as a joyful rebel, or your reactions, positive or negative, to that image.  I’d really like to get your take on this, and I’ll be happy to answer.