There are those moments — sometimes in the dark where no one can see, sometimes a glimmer coming through the trees like a ray of sunlight — when you can feel the spark of possibility that lives inside of you.  It exists, like swans in the moonlight, whether or not anyone sees.

And then it seems as though it is just as quickly gone. You no longer see yourself from the inside out; instead, you are looking from the outside in.  Every way in which you do not match some arbitrary ideal is highlighted — like spots on the kitchen windows when the sun streams through on a crisp fall day.  When examined under bright light for flaws, my beloved little house no longer seems to have any value at all.

But the essence of a person is not the sum of her perceived flaws!  The essence is that spark, the essence is a swan in the moonlight. And it has nothing to do with fitting into a standard mold of conformity.

You may have been a child — or have a child — who just doesn’t seem to fit in.  Taller or more outspoken than the others — or almost silent; covered with spills and rumpled when classmates are starched; studying what makes windmills turn when friends are playing dolls — it’s so easy to miss the genius within when the light is harsh and unbending.

“Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”                                    
– Albert Einstein

Becoming a swan means letting the spark emerge so that you are the spark.  The external trappings of conformity cease to have importance in the face of the possibility of being. 

Self development is about daring to be a swan. When you feel that glimmer, I encourage you to seize it, embrace it and grow into it. 

What energy, if we each were to support the unreproducible circle of human beings who surround us, each child, each adult, in doing that, too.

But is it necessary?

Women often feel wrong about committing time or money to their own personal growth.  “My time belongs to my family,” you may believe.  And, particularly if you aren’t the primary financial provider in your household, you may feel guilty even thinking about investing in your own development as if it were a superfluous luxury, despite significant expenditures for the recreation and development of other members of your family. It seems that women are socialized to reflexively apply this double standard and to subordinate themselves financially, as if their contributions had no solid value to the family.

But being a mom, being a wife, creating a home, running a household — and likely holding a job as well — all involve a certain amount of wear and tear, and they necessitate some recovery.

So is self development a luxury?  There’s more research every day that shows it is not.  In this brief post, I want to share some examples of these findings.  For instance, did you know that:

• Studies show that people who work to gain insight into themselves, their fears, their reality and their stress have fewer physical issues.
• Everyday stress, as well as less usual trauma, affects the functioning of the immune system and increases vulnerability to physical illness.
• Research shows that immune function improves when people have a chance to process trauma.
• Understanding their own inner struggles with the help of therapy has been shown to result in increased metabolic stability for children with diabetes.
• Helping people change the way they think has produced improvement in conditions as varied as insomnia, irritable bowel, and even skin problems!
• Statistically, people with diabetes, asthma, hypertension and heart disease have been shown to do better physically over a five-year period if they participate in psychotherapy.  In fact, the longer the participation, the better they do.
• Preliminary studies show that not only does learning to think differently about yourself through “cognitive behavioral” strategies used in life coaching and therapy cause changes in the brain, those changes are different in a powerful way from the changes caused by antidepressant medication. It is theorized that the changes caused by personal development affect a part of the brain that increases your cognitive control over how you feel, whereas medication may merely decrease negative emotion regardless of your thoughts.  How much more powerful and permanent to be able to regulate your mood independently of a drug!

So you can see that the mind-body connection that you’ve intuitively known exists has been scientifically validated in powerful ways.  When you experience sea change — a powerful shift in your experience of self — there’s every reason to believe that your body benefits along with the renewed energy for life that personal growth always brings.

In fact, you might say that while following a path of personal transformation with a guide by your side does truly feel luxurious, wellness is not superfluous, nor can it really be called a luxury.

If you’ve ever stopped here and there during the day to really analyze what you’re dealing with, you know it’s a lot more than you usually articulate.  You thought you were just trying to bring in the mail — but on the way, you found the puddle the dog left, the pile of socks and shoes in the den, and wouldn’t you know — the light didn’t come on when you opened the garage door.  Or — you’re working at the computer and discover that the updated browser is reconfigured or your software has been updated — and the simple task you set out to do now requires relearning the programs before you can get it done.

Most of these handicaps are never even articulated — but you can come to the end of a nonstop, busy day feeling that you’ve accomplished nothing!  Somewhere in that pile of details, you’ve lost yourself.

When you can sort through all of that to reconnect with your own gifts and accomplishments, tired as you may be, you’ll feel positive about tomorrow.  It’s a little like panning for gold.

Start by downloading Pure Gold.  Read on to learn how to use this energy-generating tool.

1. Save Pure Gold to your desktop so opening it is quick and easy.
2. At the end of the day — or whenever you want to capture a thought — open the document.
3. In the first column, record accomplishments.  Please don’t wait to win an award!  A worthy example might be: “I was able to help Beth make a decision to take her bath without having a tantrum…”
4. In the second column, take a minute to identify what it is about you that made it possible for you to do this: “…because I could empathize with how hard it was to come in from playing in the creek…”
5. In the third column, put into words the skill attached to this quality: “… and could convey that to her.”

There’s no one right way to do this; the columns are there to trigger your thinking.  It’s okay to leave some of them blank. What you’re striving to do is to put into words how you made a difference for the people you met up with today.  So many of these things are simple and fleeting — like asking a clerk, “How are you today?” and seeing the smile of appreciation that comes from being recognized as a person with feelings.  Others are technical, like work-related accomplishments.  They may have to do with relationships.  They may have to do with encouraging, validating, championing people — including yourself.

You’re on the right path if you find yourself rereading your list and thinking, “Wow, I did that!”

By definition :), Pure Gold is a valuable document.  Use it to “pan for the gold” of a tough day.  Read it when you’re feeling blue, to remind yourself of your values, your competency, your worth as a human being.  You might even use it to help you write a resume or consider a new career path.

However you put it to use, in this instance anyway, you’ll find that it’s the gold and not the devil that lies in the details.  Happy panning!

This quick podcast will introduce you to a downloadable tool for juggling the priorities in your busy life so that you can continue on the path of becoming the person you’re meant to be. Download the “Balls in the Air” tool here.

Right click to download.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

One day last winter I was talking with a vivacious young mother of three — two little boys and a little girl.  I’ve long since forgotten her larger topic, because I was so taken with something she said almost parenthetically.

Her little girl, age eight, she explained, wanted to be able to sail a boat someday.  Her dream seemed hopelessly out of reach to her.  In response to her mom’s empathic comments, the child said sadly, “But I can’t sail a boat…”

Without so much as a thought, because it was so natural to her, her mom responded, “That takes awhile.  We’ll get you there.”

What struck me was the absolute presumption that her child’s reaching her goal was not merely a function of individual will and struggle.  No, not at all!  It was assumed that this fortunate little girl would be wrapped in a wave of support that would sweep her toward her cherished destination. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but she wouldn’t be alone on the path.  And – she would make it; her mom had no doubt.

“We’ll get you there.”

Why is it so often our default to believe that whatever we want, we will have to achieve alone, when the reality is that almost all people who have achieved anything of personal significance will say, if they’re willing to be honest, that they couldn’t have done it without the unwavering help and support of at least one — and often three or four — other people?

This wonderful mom’s words conveyed quiet confidence; they comprised a statement of fact and intent. Her reassuring certainty evoked in me the sense of a wave, in the form of the bracing support of family, that will move this little girl where she points herself, if she does her part.

This isn’t just kids’ stuff.  Having helpers, teachers, guides, friends — there is far more to this than the nuts and bolts of the logistical assistance they provide.  At a very deep level, they provide the strengthening, almost physical sensation of having someone in your corner, backing you up, taking your goals as something that they, too, have a role in.

Imagine a wave, larger than yourself, surrounding you, when you take on the dreams that are dearest to you.  Imagine the feeling of one — or several — people who respond to your wish saying, “That takes a while.  We’ll get you there.”

It’s not always easy to find the right people; you may have a few fiascoes.  But when when you connect with that certain energy and when you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to accept the hand that reaches out to you, you will sail.

“To receive this check, your job is to earn a bachelor’s degree with a 3.5 GPA,” I went on to explain.  “Knowing that this check is waiting for you, how would you go about accomplishing this so that you get to claim it?”

Silence.  And then, finally, “I guess I’d work harder.”

“Work harder… hmmmm.  What does that actually mean?” I asked.

“Well, you know, work harder.”

As the conversation went on, it dawned on her that the source of the cool half million would be her own income, if she planned her college education as a business venture.  We talked about how to get the most for her money, where she could save, how to seek out support; we strategized about what classes to take, approaching the act of learning as a “job” responsibility in the business of attending college; and how to zoom in to find a major she’d love that would lead to a career she would also love — one that could make her a good living in today’s world.

We went on to talk about adopting a project management approach to knocking out college courses.

One thing I’ve noticed with genuine alarm is the use of technology by high schools and colleges to keep track of students’ assignments for them.  With no record-keeping on their own part, a couple of clicks lets them see what’s due.

I think this is a case of the pendulum swinging too far.  Historically, writing down assignments, mapping out and completing them, keeping track of grades and turning things in on time was the responsibility of the student.  There were, of course, a small minority of instructors who habitually were weeks behind in grading, so students could not monitor their own progress.  I’m guessing that irate parents, whose students did not fare well in this situation, demanded change.  So, we’ve gone from almost no communication between high school instructors and parents — to full access to a website with their adolescents’ real-time grades and assignments.

The hope, of course, is that parents could help their kids stay on track (and maybe stop blaming the teachers when they don’t).  But the result that I’m seeing more often is that young adults experience a blurring of boundaries of responsibility for their school performance.  Their parents are now tracking their assignments — after the school relieves them of the task of writing them down!  Independent initiative to bring a grade up is often overshadowed by a parent’s noticing it before the student, followed by an unpleasant, motivation-killing confrontation.  In effect, parents have, to varying degrees, taken over responsibilities that rightly belonged to students stepping into the demands of adulthood. Failure is not allowed to happen.

While adolescents vary in the level of support they need from adults, they are all developmentally slated to strive for independence.  Too much intrusion into their responsibilities can have the nasty effect of taking away their privacy and their initiative.  But even when parents handle these new powers judiciously and respectfully — and some do it wonderfully — there’s the plain and simple truth that in order to succeed in college and in the work of their choice, young adults need to be able to own and manage their own responsibilities.

I can say for certain that no job I have ever had came with a daily to-do list prepared especially for me. And yet, my young client had almost no skill in envisioning an assignment as a series of steps, never mind estimating the time needed for completion in order to come up with a reasonable start date.

As I continued to talk with this student, all of these opportunities for self development became evident. In fact, it was such a good conversation that it will become “College: Your First Business” — the next Self Development Place ecourse — designed especially for students graduating high school or completing their freshman year of college.

The point is, “working harder” just won’t cut it.  Success requires vision, strategizing, determination, and focus — all of which fall out naturally from approaching college as a business venture and students as entrepreneurs.

Gosh, I wish someone had shown me how to do that!

But how many of your friends do you see moving in that direction?  How about you?  Why do we throw away the opportunity for remarkable lives?

There are lots of reasons to choose to play it safe – to choose to be a zoo assistant instead of an oceanographer, a day care teacher instead of a psychologist, a follower instead of a leader.  Part of it is the subtle message, conveyed more to girls than to boys, not to dream too big.

But I find with many women that another huge part of it is that we’re not taught how to take on and walk through tough challenges.  Couple that with the clamor for a 4.0, and you’ll witness stretch goals being replaced with sure things.

It used to be that the pressure for grades began at age six.  That was the point at which the educational system warped children’s natural curiosity, their desire to learn and grow, into a means of judging them.  Exit the joy – especially for kids who pick up academics more slowly (or more quickly) than the pace designated by their teachers. How quickly a child can move from “Life is fascinating!” to “I’m not good enough.” But even for those who fly through their classes, “being smart” and pleasing authority figures often become inexorably connected to the belief in their own value.

And that was then. Now it begins at age three or earlier.  A client recently told me about her search for a preschool for her three-year-old daughter.  She was interviewed by the preschool (not the reverse) and her daughter was screened...

(read the full article here on the MyCoachFran blog)

Procrastination?  Fear? Laziness? Flat-out rebellion?  I didn’t wonder;  instead,  I turned my back on my desk,  brought order to the kitchen and then headed for the garden window.

This window is probably the reason I bought the house.  In fact, damaged and cracked as it was when I viewed the house, my offer was contingent on its repair.  The size of a small bay window, right beside it is a little round black pedestal table covered with a raspberry table cloth, black place mats and the coolest bowl I’ve ever owned as its centerpiece.  In the window, scattered here and there with little bird statues and tea candles, are a philodendron, three or four pothos in varying shades of health, an ivy plant (actually, the surviving strands of a rather lovely hanging basket that Expected Too Much), the one remaining plume from a spider plant with a similar history of demands to which I did not acquiesce, two hanging baskets from last summer, both still covered with white blooms with pink centers, two pots of that pretty green and ivory viney stuff rescued from the window boxes outside my office — and four little pots of deep purple morning glories.

Okay, two pots now.  Morning glories are not forgiving about being let to dry just a bit.

Previously, my watering policy has always been: If you’re particular about how much and how often, this is not the hotel for you.  However, I’ve made an exception for the morning glories.

I read an article about ten years ago that described placing a lattice in the living room window and training morning glories to it during the winter.  What a joyful idea!  But, a bit large to start with (likewise the project of forcing bulbs, which also intrigues me), so I shelved both ideas.

Finally, this winter I ordered morning glory seeds — Burpee Scarlett O’Hara and Heavenly Blue from Hirt’s Gardens.  I planted them in four little pots (whose previous residents are now numbered among the Dear Departed due to incompatibility with the Policy): one cheerful pot-bellied mug, creamy white with spring-green ferns and a braided handle; a cracked giant white coffee mug, and two terracotta pots.  In the spirit of the Policy, I summarily dumped in enough dirt to fill them, tossed the seeds on top, sprinkled a bit more dirt over that and then made an exception by Keeping Them Wet.

Just like that, they grew!  Who knew it could be so easy?  And now, two of the four are healthy climbing vines with beautiful deep lavender blooms.  Unlike the white flowers which abound, the morning glories do not produce a new bloom every day.  Their relative rarity makes them precious; I check for new ones each morning, and the other day found four!

So, piles of work notwithstanding, I spent about twenty minutes trimming each of the plants in the window and clearing away dead leaves from the bottom shelf.  While at first blush this might seem to amount to removing the evidence of my neglect, really it was cleaning away what was spent so the green and purple and white could gleam through.  It made me blissful.

I went on then to tackle my desk very efficiently.

Here’s the point.

Unlike procrastination which is avoidance based in fear, paying attention to and following your own energy will often take you exactly where you need to go.  I needed the shot of well-being that my flowers and a (relatively) clean kitchen give me in order to be able to apply myself to the challenging work on my desk.  More of an investment than an expenditure, the twenty minutes spent on the window were easily made up by the impact of that time on my ability to focus, plow through the work and liberate myself for the rest of the weekend.

Accomplishing anything, no matter how small, can grease the wheels for you to delve into more difficult projects.  Surrounding yourself with things that give you a sense of well-being and self-efficacy builds your reserves so that you can handle the frustrations that inevitably accompany challenging work.  By paying attention to what you’re drawn to, you will be able to discover things that, by their very presence, will energize you and inspire you to bring out the best in yourself.

Your pet project or life mission may feel chaotic and you may feel you’re in over your head. But, as Julie Powell said in Julie and Julia, you’re “lucky to have a rabbit hole”.

Listen here:

Download here.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

A couple of months ago, my favorite coffee mug, perched on the edge of the counter beside the coffee maker, went careening to the floor when I bumped the machine — and shattered into a thousand pieces.

I’d picked that mug out myself a couple of years before at an art show; it was made by a former co-worker and it was Just Right.  But I didn’t initially realize that when I was sweeping it up off the kitchen floor.  “It’s a cup,” I thought, “and I’ll get another one.”

The thing is, there isn’t another one!  I mean, there are literally thousands of cups (I speak with authority here), but not that cup.  And I even could have let that go, but it turned out to be the only microwavable cup in the house. Every other cup will burn your lips off if you pop it in for a 30-second warm-up.

So, last night after a really long month of nonstop hard work, I offered myself a break and went shopping online for The New Mug.  I landed at www.etsy.com, a website which allows individual craftspeople to set up their own shops.

Upon finding this gem of  a site, I searched it for “mugs”.  And found 248 pages of handmade mugs.  With forty mugs on each page.

Awhile back, there was a study done about the relationship between happiness and choice (see “The Paradox of Choice, a TED talk by psychologist Barry Schwartz).  The central finding was that people who must exhaust every available choice before making a decision are less happy than those who can stop when they’ve found a “good enough” item that meets their requirements.

Okay, they’re right.  But I admit that I have just finished page 248.  Well, not exactly.  I went through pages 1-35 first and then, wondering what I was really up against, forwarded to the end and worked backwards from page 248.  So technically, I have just met myself in the middle at page 36.  The laptop has moved with me from being luxuriously propped up against a mountain of pillows in bed to the morning room table with a mug of soup, a cup of coffee (both cooling too fast, and neither is microwavable, ugh), and –yes — another batch of chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven.

An hour ago, I did feel pretty exhausted by the whole wild goose chase.  But then insight kicked in.  I began to see — finally having some space after a month of not being alone with my own thoughts — that picking out this cup meant more than ticking an item of the  household to-do list, and it wasn’t about being obsessive . Really, it was a way of reconnecting with my self by picking out the mug that represents me now.  And the truth is, that’s a different cup from the one from two years ago that just bit the dust.

It’s partly about handles and sizes and thickness — I certainly have turned out to have very specific preferences about all of that.  Not to mention that it if it’s not microwavable, they needn’t have bothered.

But it’s far more about the design, the color, what the cup conveys.  About ten years ago, I picked up a very pretty light blue cup with a snowman painted on.  Today — and I literally mean in this moment,  that’s too whimsical, not serious enough. The material feels a little hollow, not solid enough. This new mug has to greet me in the morning, take me to the computer to write.  It has to ground me.

My search has turned out to be far more than a frivolous shopping expedition.  You may remember from other posts that the objects you intentionally select to surround yourself with are reflections of who you are — your personality, your aspirations, your strengths.  They are sources of affirmation and, as such, have great power to help you step into your full voice, your “best self”.  Selecting these objects is important.

If I asked you to describe yourself and what’s important to you, the words you would find to answer me would be far less rich than if you explained to me why you had chosen the painting on your wall or the scarf you’re wearing.

Or the coffee mug on your desk.

Of course, spending money you don’t have is a bad idea; I’m not advocating it.  But shopping for a treasure, even a very small one, is an expedition in self development.  It’s a chance to be led by your mind and your heart, and when the dust clears and you’ve selected that perfect thing, you’ll have a joyful, clearer sense of who you are — and a beautiful symbol to remind you of it.