But is it necessary?

Women often feel wrong about committing time or money to their own personal growth.  “My time belongs to my family,” you may believe.  And, particularly if you aren’t the primary financial provider in your household, you may feel guilty even thinking about investing in your own development as if it were a superfluous luxury, despite significant expenditures for the recreation and development of other members of your family. It seems that women are socialized to reflexively apply this double standard and to subordinate themselves financially, as if their contributions had no solid value to the family.

But being a mom, being a wife, creating a home, running a household — and likely holding a job as well — all involve a certain amount of wear and tear, and they necessitate some recovery.

So is self development a luxury?  There’s more research every day that shows it is not.  In this brief post, I want to share some examples of these findings.  For instance, did you know that:

• Studies show that people who work to gain insight into themselves, their fears, their reality and their stress have fewer physical issues.
• Everyday stress, as well as less usual trauma, affects the functioning of the immune system and increases vulnerability to physical illness.
• Research shows that immune function improves when people have a chance to process trauma.
• Understanding their own inner struggles with the help of therapy has been shown to result in increased metabolic stability for children with diabetes.
• Helping people change the way they think has produced improvement in conditions as varied as insomnia, irritable bowel, and even skin problems!
• Statistically, people with diabetes, asthma, hypertension and heart disease have been shown to do better physically over a five-year period if they participate in psychotherapy.  In fact, the longer the participation, the better they do.
• Preliminary studies show that not only does learning to think differently about yourself through “cognitive behavioral” strategies used in life coaching and therapy cause changes in the brain, those changes are different in a powerful way from the changes caused by antidepressant medication. It is theorized that the changes caused by personal development affect a part of the brain that increases your cognitive control over how you feel, whereas medication may merely decrease negative emotion regardless of your thoughts.  How much more powerful and permanent to be able to regulate your mood independently of a drug!

So you can see that the mind-body connection that you’ve intuitively known exists has been scientifically validated in powerful ways.  When you experience sea change — a powerful shift in your experience of self — there’s every reason to believe that your body benefits along with the renewed energy for life that personal growth always brings.

In fact, you might say that while following a path of personal transformation with a guide by your side does truly feel luxurious, wellness is not superfluous, nor can it really be called a luxury.

“If the path before you is clear,” said Joseph Campbell, “you’re probably on someone else’s.”

Whether the next steps you’re struggling with have to do with your children, your job or a significant relationship, you may not be able to see beyond the very next brick in the path. Life can’t come with a map; each life is different. Today’s call is to help you as you choose each step on your own path. It’s about having the courage to celebrate your own unique journey.

Listen here:

Download here.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

Maggie, said the woman from GRRAND, the Golden Retriever rescue organization, was about two years old.  Her owners had obtained her to use as a “breeder” and had dumped her when they’d finished with her.  When I met her, she appeared empty inside; disconnected; in shock.  She was also practically dragging the ground, having recently had a litter of eleven pups.

The story of Maggie over the subsequent months is one of rebirth, of the sun coming out again for a traumatized being who so deserved it.

What’s the connection?  Well, just in the past ten days, Maggie has suddenly, joyfully, insistently found her voice.  I hope that her story will help you find yours.  You, too, deserve it.

* * *

In November, almost two years ago now, I had to say goodbye to Molly, the sweet little black and white terrier who had been my companion for twelve years.  We’d been through two houses together; she’d been with me when my kids launched themselves into the world.  We’d endured treating her kidney failure with subcutaneous fluids; I had had to steel myself at an unprecedented level to administer these; the job seemed to me something like fearlessly poking a needle into a flattened football to pump it up.  Molly was unflappable and handled it like a lady.  But eventually, it wasn’t enough.

I was certain I would never get another dog.  I couldn’t imagine setting myself up for a loss like that again.

But there’s nothing like being welcomed home by a warm, living, breathing creature who’s delighted to see you at the end of a long day.  I missed it.

So when December rolled around, I decided to dedicate the month to finding an adult “rescued” golden retriever, one who was already potty trained since my schedule would not allow for this.  Further, I wanted a really special dog, one who could join me in my office and be a comfort to clients who needed her in that way, a bridge for others, and for the rest, a dog who could be seen and not heard.  My hope was to bring her home during the two-week vacation I planned to take over the holidays.

And so Maggie came into my life.

My career path included many years in therapeutic foster care, so I can say with authority that the screening process for adopting Maggie was vigorous indeed.  It included a home visit and I was required to replace my invisible fence if the organization was going to consider placing one of these precious animals with me.  They honored Maggie not even knowing her really.

Several times each day I scanned their website, reading the profiles of the dogs, looking for my dog.  And rather quickly, really, a phone call came to tell me about Maggie.  It seemed that she was a neglected dog who had been purchased by her owners to be a “breeder”.  They’d tired of this – or, perhaps the eleven pups she’d just given birth to were enough for them – and they turned her over to the rescue group.  Dumped her, really, leaving her uncomprehending at a strange place away from everyone and everything she knew.

Maggie, they said, had a temperament as gentle as could be, had the color of an Irish Setter and was already housebroken, everything I had wished for.  So I set out – the day before a New Year’s Eve party of which I was the host – to pick her up in Louisville, Kentucky.

I drove through a beautiful section of the city near the river and found myself in a new development of half-million dollar homes.  Maggie, it seemed, was going to have a drop in her standard of living.

My little Vibe was dwarfed by the circular driveway and the enormous house.  But when I rang the bell, Maggie, whose abdomen was almost dragging the ground from her recent litter of pups, came to greet me.

And so we met.  Maggie came with me willingly for a walk, although she didn’t really seem to know I was there.  There was a surprising feeling of disconnection about her.  She appeared to expect nothing from human contact, but was willing to comply.

This was not the friendly, gregarious spirit I had wished for.  I don’t know why, but something told me to write the check and bring her with me anyway.  So I did.

Maggie, who had not relieved herself all day, seemed a little antsy in the car after a half hour.  I pulled off the highway, leashed her, and she politely stepped out of the car and promptly threw up.  Maggie, it seemed, was not a traveler.  Also, she still did not pee.

Maggie was the perfect co-host at the party the next night.  After unsuccessful hours outside, I had finally driven her to a dog park the night before and again the next morning so that she could take care of her pottying needs.  At the party, she greeted each guest by walking up to them and politely sitting in front of them.  She was very quiet, didn’t try to take anyone’s hors d’oeuvres.  Maggie’s tail was sort of horizontal.

As I tried to convince her over the months that the back yard was her own personal potty, it became evident that Maggie could “hold it” for upwards of 27 hours.  I, who was working 70 hours a week and could not do this, sat in the back yard with her for hours on end, waiting for the moment that I could celebrate with her that she’d figured it out.  So not only was Maggie not a traveler, she was patently not housebroken.

I must have looked like a crazy woman to the neighbors, and I found myself imagining their judgments about how slowly this was going.  That made me defensive and angry, and I had to work triple hard not to take it out on Maggie who was clueless and even often cried a little when she finally had the courage to go.

As I tried to understand Maggie, I began to piece together her history.  She had a terrific fear of being in a “crate” – which is used for housebreaking dogs, many of whom adopt it as their personal den.  For Maggie, it was a prison, and it seemed very clear that she had been locked into a small crate for long hours, probably all day, and only let out at night, turning her into a nocturnal dog who didn’t wake up until after dark at 8 or 9:00 in the evening.  Placed in the crate, she seemed to enter a state of self-hypnosis.  She sat with almost regal dignity and acceptance, head held level, and left herself.  I did not use the crate again.  Beyond that, she was absolutely terrorized by rain and storms.  The dog who had stayed in the kitchen night after night, confined by gates, politely but urgently stepped right over the gate and fled under my bed when it rained.  I realized that staying in the kitchen had been a courtesy on her part.

The first evidence that there was another dog inside the shell that was Maggie on the outside happened about six months later.  One day, Maggie began to run in the yard, and her tail, always horizontal or pointed down, was pointing up!  Wagging delightedly, a dog’s most poignant smile.  Up until then, I had simply assumed that the tails of golden retrievers did not go up.

Through it all, Maggie was the sweetest dog you can imagine.  Of course, it must be said that she failed her therapy dog test twice, but it was out of friendliness.  The first time she went bounding into the testing room, despite our hard work on obedience training, and became, shall we say, over-friendly in an x-rated sort of a way with another dog, causing quite a splash in the otherwise sedate surroundings.  The second time she kept it clean, but the dog she chose to befriend took offense and, coated with authority in his therapy dog vest, growled at Maggie.  Maggie was held accountable, and both grand entrances resulted in automatic failures.  Only now am I able to begin to introduce her to my office.

She still puts herself into a trance when I leave for the day.  Far from greeting me at the door when I return, I have to go seek Maggie out.  Usually she’s unconscious and oblivious, three quarters of her long body under my bed.  So, Maggie is no watchdog either.  Were I to be accosted by an intruder, I could only shout with as much conviction as possible, “You just wait until my dog wakes up!”  If the intruder woke her first – well, they’d be good friends by the time I showed up.

Bit by bit, the real Maggie has come out.  She’s transformed from an underfed waif who was shedding her entire coat to a healthy filled-out dog shining and silky in a rich shade of rust.  Always friendly but in a detached sort of way, now she rolls over with babyish delight to have her belly rubbed.  She’s anxious about attention paid to guests – including my one-year-old granddaughter – fearing that they will take me from her.  Because, past losses notwithstanding, she has made a leap of faith and allowed herself to bond with me – and I have taken that leap, too.  She’s still anxious, and we have a solemn pact that she will not be locked outside ever.  I always open the door to her on her first bark, because this is still one of her fears.  She’s now able to manage storms without medication.

But it is in the past week that Maggie has found her voice!  Suddenly, she demands with a loud, confident bark, that I respond – usually saving this for when I pick up the phone or sit down to dinner.  Maggie, who has a love affair with Italian bread and freshly made pasta, now understands that “going outside” is not traumatic – it means bread! spaghetti! She’s excited about it.  Instead of going once every 27 hours, suddenly she is jubilantly barking to be let out five times a day.  And she’s rude; she steals, and she whines when she’s not included in dinner plans.

Not that that stuff is good exactly – but what it signifies is so very good.  Maggie feels safe being Maggie now.  She’s not shell-shocked; she’s not afraid, she’s not lost inside herself.  Of course I’ll have to work with her in a different way now; some obedience training is in order at this point in addition to the reassurances she needs.

Maggie has reminded me of so many things about what I call “lost voices” – personalities that have been suppressed in order to let their owners survive –

She reminds me:

• that quiet, polite compliance sometimes masks a lost voice
• that underneath a silent exterior are all kinds of emotions
• that an inability to play is a red flag of depression
• that safety, an absence of traumatic handling, gives living creatures a second chance at life; that it is only safety and patience, not demanding or cajoling, that frees a voice to emerge from that dark place in the soul where it has been buried
• that seeing the real personality emerge is the miracle that fuels my work, so precious that it defies expression; that it is an honor and a sacred trust to be part of the rebirth of another person – or creature.

Perhaps you’re reading this post because your voice, like Maggie’s, has been hidden away from you in order that you could survive some difficult circumstances.  If so, I hope you will take heart from Maggie’s story and will find a relationship in which you feel safe enough for your voice to naturally bubble up to the surface.

In finding your voice, you will change your life.

*  *  *

If you’d like to read a little more about Maggie, there’s another post here.

Babies come into the world with their unique temperament and potential. But they have no pre-conceived notions about themselves or their world.

How do little girls learn what it is to be a woman? From their moms, of course. And the most powerful teaching tool is watching you — whether they’re five or twenty-five.

I’ll talk today about five things you can build into your own way of being that will have a long-term impact on the way your daughter experiences her self and her life.

Listen here:

Download here.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

Have you ever noticed that rearranging the contents of even a single drawer can give you a sense of hope and possibility? That’s the tip of the iceberg of what shaping your space can do for you.

Whether it’s a corner of the kitchen, a home office or a dorm room, creating a space that’s you is an expression of your self. As a result, every time you glance at it or enter into it, it affirms who you are and supports you in becoming the person you’re striving to be.

Listen here:

Download here.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

Whether it’s at work, in relationships or in any other aspect of life, there are two choices – to move forward or to stagnate. Trying to keep things just as they are might sound ideal, but over time you’ll find that your life feels less and less exciting; you might start to feel depressed and not know why.

But moving forward always involves the unknown. I’ll be talking about why it’s so important to step into the unknown despite the risk – and then I’ll help you do it.

Listen here:

Download here: Take a Chance! Why you absolutely must take personal risks and 3 tips to help you start today

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

We’ve all heard it by now: “Adequate” people are supposed to be able to point to something and say, “This is my passion” — and then build a life or a career around it.

Which is great in theory. But it leaves women hammering away at themselves trying to pound out whatever their “passion” is supposed to be. And you usually can’t find it that way.

But what really is possible is to have passionate moments by following sparks of curiosity and energy. Out of those sparks a pattern emerges, over time, making it possible to have and share more and more of those passionate moments. In this Invincible Voice call, I’ll talk about how to do it – as well as the implications for parenting.

Listen here:

Download here: Seeking Your Passion: the new recipe for depression

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

The details of life really can get in the way of enjoying and appreciating the people closest to you!  But having the kind of relationships you want depends on setting aside the time to make it happen.

“Getting to Know You” is a chance for moms and daughters to take a quick breather from the daily routine for a playful hour and a small project (that part’s a secret, but it’s yours to keep) that will leave you with new insights into yourself and each other.

It’s quick, it’s fun — and doing something different can pull you out of the cycle of seemingly endless tasks and demands that moms and daughters (even adults) can sometimes get stuck in.

Who: Mothers and Daughters – of all ages (recommended minimum age is 11)
Date: Saturday, November 7
Time: 11:00 to noon
Fee for Mother-Daughter Duo: $30; Mom + 2 daughters: $40

You can register right here:

Who’s coming?

Mom & Daughter $30.00 Mom & 2 Daughters $40.00

Unlike the all-business hustle of spring-cleaning, fall-seeking has a meandering pace.  Like a leaf floating through the air, blown first to the right, then to the left, this is a wander, not a hike.  From drawer to closet to nightstand, from precious greeting cards to water colors purchased in a moment of creative optimism to books much read and those never read, it’s a winding stroll of reconsideration.

What is the meaning behind these things that have been placed on a shelf or tucked away in a drawer?

The first thing my eye settles on as I mentally wander through my own house is the glass room.  Carefully set up with a two-tiered worktable, its tools hanging at the ready from a cut-to-order (by me) piece of white pegboard, this space has lain dormant for most of four years.  What does it mean?  Too much work, no time reserved for play?  It’s predecessor, a smaller room in a smaller house, was never idle, never abandoned.  In it, with Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto and John Rutter’s For the Beauty of the Earth creating a background so overwhelmingly beautiful as to be distracting, I designed and built tiny glass greenhouses.  The Potting Shed, the Conservatory, the Arboretum, the Sea House.  Have I moved on? Simply forgotten? Or have I lost something precious?

One autumn morning when you can hollow out a few hours of shelter from the pressures of your life, maybe you’ll dare to peer up into a high-up forgotten shelf or dig through a drawer or two.  It’s not the throw-aways you’re looking for, not the things that you’ve grown beyond.  It’s the things that you’ve put away, pieces of your self that you’ve left behind along the way, pieces you want to reclaim.

I hope you’ll strike gold.

We hear a lot these days about “passion.” Everywhere we look, it seems like someone is telling us to “find our passion,” to “follow our passion,” to “live passionately.” In the abstract, it sounds like wonderful advice, but certainly there are not few among us who are thinking, “Where am I even supposed to look?” or even: “I don’t think I have a great passion!”

But what if it isn’t so hard! What if deep down we already know where to find it – because it’s a part of us?

What if there is a way to go about this that makes sense, one that you can do?

In fact, “finding your passion” means connecting with what is deepest inside. It begins with finding yourself. It’s part of what I like to call The Marigold Theory. The idea is simple: When you drop a marigold seed into the soil, it is genetically coded to grow into a marigold. If you try to somehow coax it into becoming a Poppy, it will disappoint you and itself, and it may even die.

Likewise, we are each born with a unique set of potentials. How sad if the Marigolds among us spend their lives trying to be Poppies! Our task is to get back to that original seed and to create an environment where its potential can be realized, an environment where it can bloom.

Each of us has little sparks of energy that appear here and there throughout the day. Something that happens, an idea, or a thought kindles a reaction in us. We have a burst of energy around it. Pay attention and follow that energy! It comes directly from our core and inspires us into action. And – you guessed it! – action inspired from within is passion.

The opportunities are all around us. Sometimes they’re hiding in plain sight! Your passion is in that special charge that you feel when you’re doing something that you really love. It’s there in the way that there are some things that you always have energy for no matter how exhausted you are. It’s that natural high that you just sometimes get.

Those chances to pursue our own energy occur when we least expect them. One spring afternoon, while wandering with a friend through the shops of the historic town of Lebanon, Ohio, I fell in love with a miniature glass conservatory in the window of a beautiful little garden store. Enchanted with the possibilities from the moment I saw it, I knew I had to learn to build my own. It was a tantalizing thought that kept coming back. As so often happens when we aren’t afraid to follow our energy, the opportunity to learn presented itself unexpectedly a few months later.

When our attention is suddenly captured by a new idea or activity or object, there’s usually more to it than we initially realize. By following that energy and allowing it to perc, that unconscious element has an opportunity to unfold. Loose ends gel into a form that we may not understand immediately. For me, designing these miniature conservatories had many meanings. Far from being unfriendly spaces that exposed and made the inhabitants vulnerable as the old expression about “people in glass houses” suggests, each of these tiny greenhouses is a protective space, a life-affirming and nurturing environment supporting the plants within as they reach for the sky. Each fresh sheet of glass is a new opportunity with no limits, and it became evident that the process of creating fresh designs was a metaphor for developing a new and larger vision for my life. Many things have followed from that moment in Lebanon when I allowed myself to be guided by my energy.

Start by creating a trail of clues for yourself. Dedicate a small journal to jotting down those little things during the day that capture your attention. When you find one that you can pursue, don’t hesitate! You’ll be on the path to a whole new adventure and one step closer to creating a life you’ll love to wake up to!